Covid hit us hard, because Covid hit churches hard. With doors closed, wallets followed, and cancellations poured in alongside emails of pastors cutting budgets, worried about rent and staff. I, too, would have to let go of a team of wonderful humans. (Delivering this news to humans—no matter that I’d just sent her a wedding gift or him a T-shirt—while looking them in their eyes that betrayed a hurt beyond words, made me want to hide). So, I could empathize.
This empathy, however, appeared absent in some customers.
These cancellations meant cuts to our budget and, once again, the delay of features—to the colorful fury of some customers. I began receiving emails with words that cut at a depth I didn’t know possible, and inflicted wounds that still sting today. Perhaps it was because I saw Accelerate as I saw myself—it wasn’t just my project, it was me; they weren’t just crucifying Accelerate, they were crucifying me.
Perhaps it was my hope that Christians would email unto others as they’d email themselves. Instead, they emailed with a vulgarity to make a sailor gasp, and sent emails that called my salvation into question, called me an “embarrassment to God” or condemned me to hell. Because we didn’t have dark mode yet. That’s when I learned that Christians had a bigger arsenal of weapons, and wielded guilt and shame with mastery.
With a downsized team (if 4 members on slack count as a team), and again nearing the end of our financial runway, we still kept our promise of 8 monthly summaries. So, I edited summaries. I created graphics. I responded to customer support. The latter, I learned, was more bearable with a glass of wine. Or two.
I wasn’t much of a drinker, but I learned it allowed me to respond to the shame-slinging emails in a state of mind that didn’t feel the hurt so personally.
I also learned, later, that this was called dissociation. And when God decided to spice up the script with the character-building scenes of a girlfriend of 6 years in bed with a church leader, and a healthy mom getting cancer, I’d learn how to achieve this state regularly; no drink needed.
Besides, I had a business to build and, as Vayerchuk passionately put it: the market is the market is the market.
And that’s what it means to have grit and resilience.
Right? Cue burnout.